The Land of Painted Caves Epub î of Painted eBook

The Land of Painted Caves In The land of Painted Caves, Jean M Auel brings the ice age epic Earth s Children series to an extraordinary conclusion Ayla, one of the most remarkable and beloved heroines in contemporary fiction, continues to explore the world and the people around her with curiosity, insight, and above all, courageAs the story opens, Ayla, Jondalar, and their infant daughter, Jonayla are welcomed by the Zelandonii, but problems arise They are faced with new challenges, not just the ordinary trials of sheer survival, but the complications posed by many groups of people who need to live and work together The wisdom that Ayla gained from her struggles as an orphaned child, alone in a hostile environment, strengthens her as she moves closer to leadership of the ZelandoniaAyla and Jondalar s first priority is the care for their golden haired child, Jonayla, and the well being of their amazing animals, Wolf, Whinney, Racer, and Gray The two participate in hunts to provide food, in travels to Summer Meetings for decision making, and in social activities Whatever the obstacles, Ayla s inventive spirit produces new ways to lessen the difficulties of daily life searching for wild edibles to make delicious meals, experimenting with techniques to ease the long journeys the Zelandoni must take, honing her skills as a healer and a leader And then, there are the Sacred Caves, the caves that Ayla s mentor the Donier, the First of the Zelandonia takes her to see These caves are filled with remarkable art paintings of mammoths, lions, aurochs, rhinoceros, reindeer, bison, bear The powerful, mystical aura within these caves sometimes overwhelms AylaAyla s final preparations for her initiation as a Zelandoni bring The Land of Painted Caves to a riveting climax So much time apart from Jondalar has caused him to drift away from her The rituals themselves bring her close to death But through those rituals, Ayla gains A Gift of Knowledge so important that it will change the worldSpellbinding drama, meticulous research, fascinating detail, and superb narrative skill combine to make The Land of Painted Caves a captivating, utterly believable creation of a civilization that resonates long after the reader has turned the last page, and serves as an astonishing end to this beloved saga Herewith, the Land of the Painted Caves drinking game Everytime.the text mentions Ayla s accent, DRINK the text called Ayla beautiful or Jondolar handsome, DRINK the word vivid is used to describe Jondolar or Jonayla s eyes, DRINK there is a verse of that goddess forsaken song, DRINK there s a description of how much some other person adores Ayla, DRINK the word uncanny is used to describe Ayla s special abilities, DRINK Ayla remembers her vision quest with Creb, DRAIN YOUR GLASS You ll Herewith, the Land of the Painted Caves drinking game Everytime.the text mentions Ayla s accent, DRINK the text called Ayla beautiful or Jondolar handsome, DRINK the word vivid is used to describe Jondolar or Jonayla s eyes, DRINK there is a verse of that goddess forsaken song, DRINK there s a description of how much some other person adores Ayla, DRINK the word uncanny is used to describe Ayla s special abilities, DRINK Ayla remembers her vision quest with Creb, DRAIN YOUR GLASS You ll be so soused by the third chapter that it may not hurt to keep reading.This was, hands down, the worst book I ve ever finished And I ve read books written by fifth graders I don t actually know why I finished it s really that awful Maybe it was because the first three books were so key to my teenage years and I felt a sense of loyalty to the series I know I read the fourth and fifth books but I don t remember them But they could not have been this bad.I won t bother describing why it s bad there s only 18,955 characters left and you don t care that much because you re not going to read it Also, Jondalar is a whiny emo putz and I knew that even when I was 13 Excuse me, I have some paint I need to watch dryAyla trains to be a Zelandani Ayla goes to many caves Ayla unveils the Big Secret that readers have known about since Book 1 The End Spoilers Abound Like Mad Ye Have Been Warned My God If I thought the last book was fan fiction, I have no idea what to call this piece of sh t Boring , disappointing , stupid , mindless waste of time and paper , and underwhelming all come to mind But no words can describe how absolutely horrib Excuse me, I have some paint I need to watch dryAyla trains to be a Zelandani Ayla goes to many caves Ayla unveils the Big Secret that readers have known about since Book 1 The End Spoilers Abound Like Mad Ye Have Been Warned My God If I thought the last book was fan fiction, I have no idea what to call this piece of sh t Boring , disappointing , stupid , mindless waste of time and paper , and underwhelming all come to mind But no words can describe how absolutely horrible this book is.I don t like to think I am a person who gives into hyperbole, but this book is probably THE worst book I have EVER read, not to mention THE worst conclusion to a beloved series It doesn t wrap up the billion plot threads that have arisen in the previous five books Characters act largely out of character or like idiots Two thirds of the book has no plot, and the last third has a plot that was regurgitated from an earlier book The writing is horrible The dialogue is terrible Whole conversations are dedicated to one character telling another about events the other character should already be aware of The pacing is all over the place More time is spent on detailing every cave Ayla visits, but important events are sloppily skimmed over Several exciting events pause to detail Zelandani social norms, the usages of cattail, or recap earlier books scenes, thus breaking any sense of tension Large chunks of the book are stories from the previous five books or reiterations of events that occurred earlier in the story There is no cohesion in the book it is separated into three parts that have very little to bind them into one work The sex, though greatly reduced only two explicit sex scenes and two instances of being interrupted while having sex , are still hilariously over the top and monotonous The conclusion is mournful and an insult to fans.About the only laudable quality is the research It is obvious that Auel has put a lot of effort into the research, which is commendable But regurgitating research pell mell into a novel without good characters, a plot, and decent writing does NOT make a story And it doesn t help to have anachronistic info dumps written as if from a technical manual either It is inexcusable how horrible this book is Auel has had many years to plan her ending to this once great series In the five previous books, she introduced many interesting plotlines, which she could have explored view spoiler The relationship between Zelandani and the Clan What happened to Durc Jonayla s growth and how it was different than Ayla s A legitimate struggle between Ayla s duties as a Zelandania and a wife and mother Real marital strife maybe Ayla wanting to be with Brukeval or Ranec or one of the many men who drools over her, or Jondalar struggling with wanting to perform First Rites and maybe wanting to be with Joplaya hide spoiler Instead, we are given this mammoth piece of Mammoth dung.Ayla is basically unrecognizable From Page One, Auel suddenly retcons Ayla s capabilities Ayla, too, had extraordinarily sharp vision She could also pick up sounds above the range of normal hearing and feel the deep tones of those that were below Her sense of smell and taste were also keen, but she had never compared herself with anyone, and didn t realise how extraordinary her perceptions were She was born with heightened acuity in all her senses.In every other book, Ayla had plausible reasons for her abilities She was good at memorizing to compensate for the memories she didn t have She had greater strength to be able to keep up with the Clan As for her vision and smell, never before has it been mentioned that Ayla s were above average and given all the other Mary Sue qualities Ayla has, you can be assured this would have appeared at one point.Ayla remains the Mary Sue she has been since the beginning The woman can do pretty much anything and everyone will applaud her Nearly every man wants to share Pleasures with her the First Among Those Who Serve the Mother along with all of the Zelandania thinks she is the cat s meow even the women want her Ayla just looked at the Watcher and smiled, but it was the loveliest smile the Watcher had ever seen She really is a beautiful woman I can understand Jondalar s attraction to her If I were a man, I would be too The entirety of her role in this book is to gape at caves, blather about the last five books, which we ve heard nearly 80 thousand times by now, or listen to people yammer on about counting, sacred colors, or some other such religious aspects and, just to clarify, it s not the fact it is religious that I don t like it it s the fact that it is BORING Oh, and she also is blessed to find the final verse in that terrible Mother s Song, a verse that corroborates a view she has held since Book 1 and one that will send the reader s eyes a rollin.Probably the most amusing part is when Ayla suddenly becomes a vengeful person When she discovers Jondalar has been pumping Marona with his essence because Ayla has been busy training to be a Zelandani, she decides to share Pleasures with Laramar of all people While I appreciate having Ayla actually behave like a normal human being for once, where the hell did this come from Why the frak did she choose Laramar of all people Why not Brukaval or Danug or Echozar You know, the men she thought were super attractive because of the way she was raised but hasn t done ANYTHING to get them to show her the signal because of her TWOO LURVE for Jondalar It s already been established that Jondalar is a jealous pr ck who doesn t mind having sex with another woman but who can t stand it when Ayla chooses another Jondalar, besides being said jealous pr ck, is basically an accessory for the first two parts, and then turns into full fledged hole in the last part Other than describing his physical attributes he is a 6 6 tall, well formed, incredibly handsome man, with an unconscious charisma enhanced by a vividly intense shade of blue eyes , in case you can t remember from the other 3 billion times it is mentioned , Auel keeps describing him as charismatic , but I honestly think that Auel doesn t know what that word means It certainly doesn t describe the man I ve been reading for five books.He has his own out of character moments He shows little signs of being upset with the decreasing amount of time that Ayla is spending with him, but suddenly, Marona is sucking on his massive dong Where did this come from Why Marona Sure, she seduced him because, remember, she is EVUL and cannot be shown to have a smidgeon of good , but why would Jondalar bother with her If it s because she s a petal to be picked, why not pick the dozens of other women, who weren t discouraged by his previous monogamy and would GLADLY drop their cave panties for him What about Joplaya or Zolena Zelandani First Oh, right, that would actually make sense, and we can t have logic in these books What really irritates me is that when he is caught, he whines, Why did Ayla have to find out Uh, don t you mean, WHY THE FRAK DID I SEX UP MARONA, THE WOMAN I RAN OUT ON BECAUSE I DIDN T WANT TO MARRY HER, AND CHEAT ON THE WOMAN I SUPPOSEDLY LURVE SO MUCH You dirty, filthy, scumbag, you are just guilty because Ayla found out, not because you did something wrong, betrayed her trust, and acted like a two faced d bag, just like how you behaved 6 years ago in The Mammoth Hunters You truly haven t grown up, have you, Jondalar And why is it that AYLA should be shamed for Jondalar sleeping around with another woman It s a WOMAN S fault if a man sleeps with another woman, because she didn t Pleasure her mate enough Has no one heard of control What about self Pleasure How about good old fashioned talking Wasn t that what they promised to do after the LAST Big Misunderstanding in Hunters Why the frak are they even so exclusive to begin with This is supposedly a polyamorous society There is no reason that either of them should have their cave panties in such a knot.But what about Jonayla, the child that Ayla wanted so past the last five books I would hardly have noticed she was even here every time she could, Ayla dumped Jonayla on someone else so Ayla could do somethinginteresting I can t tell you one remarkable thing about the child no, wait, I take that back Jonayla is probably the only baby only a few months old that can wait to urinate until her mother removes her from her carrying basket.I hate to keep saying it, because I sound like a broken record, but every other character is a cardboard cutout No one has any personality, no identifying attribute to make them stand out of the rest of this crowd All the good guys love Ayla and Jondalar All the bad guys are so lame and impotent, they might as well have been written for 5 year olds No, that s insulting to 5 year olds.There really is no plot to this book The first two parts are so boring, I thought I would poke my eye out with a blunt instrument, just to have something exciting to do Watching paint dry isexciting than listening reading to this book And it s not like the first two parts have any real importance to the last part In fact, the first two parts are so insignificant to the last part, you could just skip them and move directly to part three I ll do you a favor here s the summary Part One Ayla begins to train as Zelandani EARTHQUAKE Part Two OOOOOOOO LOOKIE CAVES In the first part, we ALMOST get a plot Zelandani is frustrated that Ayla doesn t spendtime training everyone is p ssed that Ayla dumps Jonayla on them some mother that Ayla has become and Jondalar is somewhat pouty that Ayla isn t always available to suck on him Welcome to marriage, Jondalar After an earthquake that goes NOWHERE, this part abruptly stops and lurches into part two.Part Two is suddenly set four years later for no good reason Ayla heads off to look at the caves, dragging along Jondalar and Ayla, again for no good reason Ayla and gang go to the caves for no good reason in case you can t tell, a lot happens in this book for no good reason Auel does absolutely NOTHING to make the caves integral to the story I thought she might make Ayla draw one of the cave paintings yeah, Mary Sue ish and probably not accurate to the time period, but I m so over that by now , but no, that would be too interesting Instead, Ayla just gawks at these scratches on the wall, as if she was on a modern day tour imagine reading a book about a guy playing Tetris , and chat it up with fellow Zelandania about why the ancients drew on the walls as if they are art history students but exceptionally BORING art history students my sister has taken art history courses and talked about some art, and it was NOWHERE NEAR as BORING as these discussions, and I don t really get art But wait, do they have interesting conclusions to why the artists drew on the walls laughs It pretty much amounts to don t have a clue, but they had a reason This entire section is POINTLESS and,importantly, BORING.Just when things might get interesting, Auel hastily wraps up the journey in two paragraphs and stumbles into Part Three Part Three is where Ayla trips upon Marona giving Jondalar a good time apparently Ayla did NOT invent oral pleasures , and the two decide that not talking worked SO WELL back in Hunters, they ought to do it again Which they do until Ayla nearly dies from that root drug from Cave Bear, blah, blah, blahOh, yeah, before that happens, Ayla takes that damn drug yes, she takes the drug TWICE in this book , wanders into a cave, and starts hallucinating As she does, she is gifted with the Big Reveal, hears the complete version of that horrible Mother s Song, miscarries a child in a senseless, tacky act of drama , and then tells everyone about her BIG NEWS What is that Big Reveal, you ask view spoiler The Mother s Song finishes and the big reveal is Man Woman Sex Babies Are these people really THAT stupid that they can t figure out sex babies until Ayla reveals it to them as a dream from the Mother Do they NOT watch other animals Ayla put two and two together back in Cave Bear why can t they And why the frak did it take Ayla SIX BOOKS to get confirmation of this when she pretty much figured it out back in Cave Bear Why was THIS the Big Reveal of the book Of all the things that Auel could have chosen, the fact that sex makes babies is what she picked THAT is what she wants to end her series on hide spoiler With the way the Three Parts are written, it s as if Auel wrote two separate stories, couldn t decide which one to use, and decided she didn t want to bother writing any, so she tossed them together with a travelogue she had of the prehistoric cave paintings What happens in Parts 1 and 2 aren t referenced in Part 3 in fact Parts 1 and 2 seem to be an excuse to research the caves and nothing.The repetition in this book All of the books are bad, but this one is painfully repetitious Don t bother reading any of the previous books you won t need to In fact, even without reading the previous books, you ll probably want to shoot yourself in the head by the end with the amount of times you hear people gape at Ayla s Super Speshul Accent over 30 separate incidents , someone introduce themselves with either full or partial introductions, a retelling of an event in previous books, or astonishment over the domesticated animals And in case you wondered how cavepeople took care of body functions, Auel makes sure her characters let you know as her characters take a whopping 23 times to either pass water or talk about bodily functions.The writing It s almost as if Auel is getting worse There were many instances, but here is one sentence that stood out to me as particularly horrible It s uncanny, but mysterious Uncanny a seeming to have a supernatural character or origin eerie, mysterious b being beyond what is normal or expected suggesting superhuman or supernatural powers Mysterious a of, relating to, or constituting mystery b exciting wonder, curiosity, or surprise while baffling efforts to comprehend or identify mystifying It s mysterious, but mysterious Huh What is this supposed to MEAN The research It is so awkward and analytical you d probably getenjoyment out of reading a non fiction book than this Actually, the entire Part Two feels like a non fiction wrok There is no sense of awe or excitement to see these cave drawings in fact, I ve never before been so bored and uninspired to see them.Earlier this year, I got the chance to read an extraordinary novel The setting was rich and detailed The characters were warm and inviting The story was gripping and made me want to readI tore through it quickly, and when I got to the end, I immediately felt bereft.What amazing, unputdownable book am I talking about That was none other than Clan of the Cave Bear I truly fell in love with that book, with Creb, Iza, and Ayla, with a wide, wonderful new world set in the prehistoric age I had heard so many things about the books particularly the latter ones , but I had such hope for the series I was really eager to learn about what happened to Ayla Would she ever see her son again Would she ever find her family How could she survive by herself Would Ayla ever find love, family, belonging or would she constantly wander alone Well, this book answered absolutely NONE of my questions It took the characters I loved and twisted them beyond recognition It is an execrable excuse for a novel But what s worse is that this is the final book of the series unless Auel changes her mind and decides to milk the cash cow a bitAnd that means there are nobooks There is no hope of learning what happens to Durc, to Uba, to the Clan I won t see Ranec, and Nezzie, and Deejee again My last memory of these people is destined to be Jondalar screaming Reb Brown style He s making my baby And that is what makes me honestly sad.NOT recommended This review has been hidden because it contains spoilers To view it, click here I won t go too much into detail as other reviewers have exhaustively explained why this book sucks donkey arse, but essentially 1 Auel likes to repeat things A lot What I meant to say is that Auel likes to repeat things A lot.2 Auel really digs caves No, really Ayla spends 2 3 of the book shuffling through caves, peeing in caves, knocking the ash off her torch in caves, and scrutinizing all of the art in caves What a cavewoman snicker 3 Ayla and Jondalar s interactions consist of, Wh I won t go too much into detail as other reviewers have exhaustively explained why this book sucks donkey arse, but essentially 1 Auel likes to repeat things A lot What I meant to say is that Auel likes to repeat things A lot.2 Auel really digs caves No, really Ayla spends 2 3 of the book shuffling through caves, peeing in caves, knocking the ash off her torch in caves, and scrutinizing all of the art in caves What a cavewoman snicker 3 Ayla and Jondalar s interactions consist of, Why don t you take Jonayla for a while, Jondalar I need to go and do something esoteric with Zelandoni that involves lots of celibacy 4 Jondalar Okay 5 Jondalar thinks about this for a while, and says to himself, Not okay It turns out he has spent most of the book bonking the shit out of Marona, though in secret, except since it is a small cave in which they live god, we can t get away from the fucking caves here, can we , everyone knows about their incessant bonking except for, naturally, Ayla.6 Ayla finds out about Jondalar s quasi infidelity we have to remember that although up to this point, Jondalar Ayla have been monogamous, they nonetheless live in a polyamorous society a week after having miscarried her baby while being called to the Zelandonia via you guessed it herbs She discovers this infidelity by watching Marona slurp on Jondalar s7 Well, at least this book went easy on the porn.8 Jondalar and Ayla act like lovelorn middle schoolers She hates me He hates me Jonayla cries a lot.9 As though Auel realised toward the end what a stinking pile of shit this book is, she decided to revive it by making Ayla carry out what consists of an intentional suicide attempt by trying out the Clan roots used by the Clan Mog urs and drinking nearly the entire contents of the bowl, after letting Zelandoni have the tiniest of sips Ayla nearly dies, and is called back to life by a contrite and suddenly passionately loving Jondalar.10 Ayla reveals to this cave dwelling society that it isn t spirits that make babies, it s sex Good, old fashioned sex Which is ironic, since we don t see a lot of sex in this book.11 The Goddess society is now on the decline, thanks to Ayla and her goddamned interfering.12 This book contradicts a lot of what is said in earlier books, especially in Shelters of Stone in that book, Ayla asks Jondalar what datura is called in Zelandoni, and he answers, Foxglove In this book, Ayla has absolutely no idea what the plant is called in Zelandoni, and has to describe it to Zelandoni, who has never seen the plant, which leads one to wonder how the hell a Zelandoni word for it ever existed in the first place.13 There is no character development Ever At all.Important Note You will cry once you ve shlogged through your fortieth cave, complete with exhaustive descriptions of the cave s art and its physical structure, and you find that you still have fortycaves for Ayla to explore.Oh, and I have to warn you that you might just laugh until you cry when Jondalar beats the shit out of Laramar, who is bonking Ayla at a Mother Festival, while screaming in a high pitched falsetto, He s making my baby You see, Ayla has just announced prior to the Mother Festival great timing, naturally, since I m sure all the guys will be wanting their women to conceive by other dudes that men s essence creates babies So perhaps this pile of shit was worth digging through just so we could hear Jondalar screaming, He s making my baby All in all, drivel Complete drivel It s as though Auel looked at her body of work thus far, realised she still had to write one last book, said DAMN to herself, and told the characters, Frankly, my cavepeople, I don t give a damn and proceeded to write plastic people who could have substituted for one another without any of our noticing I just read the interview with Jane Auel that came out before the book was published It was a LOTinteresting than the book was While reading LOPC, I kept finding myself saying AGAIN Wolf helps to find Jondular AGAIN You re repeating the Mother s Song AGAIN You re talking about cattails AGAIN Someone is jealousAGAIN It seemed to me that Jondular and Ayla still hadn t gotten past the problems that they had in MH They haven t grown as characters at all It would have I just read the interview with Jane Auel that came out before the book was published It was a LOTinteresting than the book was While reading LOPC, I kept finding myself saying AGAIN Wolf helps to find Jondular AGAIN You re repeating the Mother s Song AGAIN You re talking about cattails AGAIN Someone is jealousAGAIN It seemed to me that Jondular and Ayla still hadn t gotten past the problems that they had in MH They haven t grown as characters at all It would have been farinteresting if there would have been a few scenes with Marona sorry if I spelled it wrong and WHY and HOW he decided to relieve his needs with her I also didn t quite understand why Marona packed her things and left She had at least a part of Jondularhe and Ayla weren t talkingwhy give up the high ground And it would have been awesome if he and Ayla would have actually TALKED about it instead of just hiding from each other AGAIN I LOVED Clan of the Cave Bears It had a good vibe a clash of culturesa variant of nature vs nurture Valley of Horses was AWESOME Coming to terms with known prejudices Mammoth Hunters was GREAT A look at a society that values differences Wasn t so crazy about Plains of Passagebut it was interesting seeing the way different cultures handle things.I even liked Shelters of Stone as it defined relationships in a community and the effect of an outsider on the dynamics of said community.Land of Painted Caves was just.nothing There was nothing newexcept for the red and black dots No relationship went forward or backno one learned anythingno one had any insights.I could go onbut I won t

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